I was driving on the freeway this morning and there was one of those electric alert signs that they display all over DFW. It said "WARNING - EXTREME WILDFIRE DANGER!". I was right on the edge of downtown Ft. Worth. Really?
It did make me think though. Imagine how many people would be so much better off if I had come with a sign like that.
"WARNING - YOU CAN'T RELY ON ANYTHING THIS GUY SAYS."
"WARNING - DO NOT CO SIGN ON A CAR LOAN FOR THIS GUY - HE GAMBLES."
"WARNING - YOU SHOULD NOT GET INTO ANY TYPE OF INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY! HE MAY LOOK GOOD, BUT HE AINT NOTHING NICE!" LOL.
This week I am dealing with some loss. It's really not that big of a loss, not for someone who over the last 5 years has lost a wife, a family, the woman who raised me to cancer, a $400,000 home in the suburbs, well over $300,000 in liquid cash, cars, clothes, etc... Not for someone who has a net worth of 5 dress shirts, 4 pairs of slacks, maybe 6 t-shirts , 1 pair of jeans, 4 pairs of sox and 5 pair of boxers, well boxer briefs, and is liquid for somewhere around a $58-$59 investment today. What is funny though is that is feels like a big loss. I realized this week that I am not really good with letting go of things that are important to me. Let's face it the things that are important to me are the people, places, things, and ideas that make me feel better for just a moment. Rarely do these things get away from me without my claw marks in them.
Relationships are tough. They are the single greatest indicator of where your life is. Successful businessman like Donald Trump or Warren Buffet do not spend alot of their spare time, I would suspect, with crack addicts and vice versa. I wouldn't expect to see alot of agnostics in church. For the same reason I was always uncomfortable in church. Light cannot measure in darkness. Darkness cannot survive in the light. The two cannot coincide. One has no place with the other. That is truth.
I have had to begin analyzing my relationships and have had to start making decisions as to what is acceptable and what has no place in my life. People that have at one time meant so much to me, I am beginning to say goodbye to. All of the passion that once fueled these relationships is no more.
Some of these people have held such position in my life that I would make decisions based on their wants and needs and had I not made those decisions my life would be different. Alot or a little, it would be different. If my life was just a little different than what it is today my direction might be different as well. It's my direction that compels me to let go of them. It's ironic.
When two or more people exist in the same space their survival together is based on a common purpose. They are after the same thing. When that initiative changes for just one of them, then the whole relationship changes. In my life I have at times tried to hold on to these relationships because I do not want to endure the grief. For me it was just easier to hold on to misery than it was to face the loss. What's really funny about that is how is has affected me in other areas of my life.
I love my children. I love them so much I do not want them to hurt. My oldest daughter is a prime example of that fear.. Ever since she was a little girl whenever she had a pet die. I would run out and replace that pet with another before she realized it, just so she would not be heartbroken. I thought I was protecting her, but in actuality I was passing on a legacy to her that I didn't even realize that I had. I never knew how to deal with loss. My step mother raised me from the time I was 7-8 years old. Her death 4 years ago rocked me to my core. It sent me into a drug induced stupor for almost two years. For a long time just the mention of her name would send me into an empty room so noone would see the emotion that would overcome me. The moment I successfully stuffed it back down, I would return.
As I become more spiritually fit, I find myself seeking these areas of my life as opposed to running from them.. When I encounter them I am better prepared for the emotion. I walk through it and move on. It's amazing how when I start separating myself from certain people and passed relationships I am able to now watch the sickness and despair that I used to be a big player in. I really find no joy in that except for the fact that I am no longer a party to it. I am so grateful that God gives me sight to identify;
what is real and what is not,
what is sick and what is healthy,
what is truth and what is not,
what is worth holding on to,
and what I should have ran screaming out of the room from the first moment I saw it.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Journey
I am noticing a real difference.. A sense of calm is coming over me. I have had a lifetime of hurt, confusion, and fear so imbedded inside of me. All of the separate instances of various tragedies started to mesh together and became one great big noise. I became accustomed to discomfort and to using so many things to distract me from truth. Drugs, drinking, gambling, woman, work, money, and all of the rest of the things that for just a moment made me feel okay. For the first time in my life, that need is gone. I am starting to see the promises.
There is true power in writing. As I lay things out on paper that noise in my head becomes less and less. It's a release. Most of all what I am finding, is that all of those big deals were only big when they were lumped together. As I separate them. They lose steam. They are not so big. As I separate them I see them for what they are. I see my part in them. I see where I have been so fearful, and can now be faithful. I see all of the areas that I have been so self seeking, and I can now be of service. As I clean house I am starting to see all of the possibilities that lie in front of me. In living a directed life I am beginning to enjoy favor. Not so long ago I had truly come to understand why some people take their own lives, I was on the edge of being one.... Instead I am beginning to know a new peace and live a life that I never thought was possible.. That thought overwhelms me.
There is true power in writing. As I lay things out on paper that noise in my head becomes less and less. It's a release. Most of all what I am finding, is that all of those big deals were only big when they were lumped together. As I separate them. They lose steam. They are not so big. As I separate them I see them for what they are. I see my part in them. I see where I have been so fearful, and can now be faithful. I see all of the areas that I have been so self seeking, and I can now be of service. As I clean house I am starting to see all of the possibilities that lie in front of me. In living a directed life I am beginning to enjoy favor. Not so long ago I had truly come to understand why some people take their own lives, I was on the edge of being one.... Instead I am beginning to know a new peace and live a life that I never thought was possible.. That thought overwhelms me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Did I Do Something Bad, Or Am I Just.... Something Bad
I made bad decisions as a child. I have talked about the fact that I have always felt that there was something different about me than anyone else I knew, and not in a good way. I don't know exactly when it started but it is truly present as far back as I can remember. Because of that I acted out. I started being a class clown. I started making a show of myself and as a result I reinforced that feeling of being hopeless. What a word. What a way to feel at what should be the happiest and most curious time of your life. At some point you step out onto the radar and now it is not just your own mind telling you these terrible things about yourself, now it's other people speaking those things into your life as well. When you are young those messages come in teachers demerits, school suspensions, expulsions, and my personal favorite the "shame on you" head shakes and disapproving stares.
As you get older it comes from law enforcement, corrections officers, guidance counselors, some of whom are do-gooders who reach out to you because they take the time to see that there is so much more to you than what is written on the pages in front of them. Ultimately though there is no cure. The process continues and throughout my whole life I have proven time and time again... Those who tried to help me eventually give up and those who knew better get to say "see I told you so." There is no mistake. I am hopeless. Shame on me.
The hardest part about that is that it is not something that I would talk about. I think back to all the trips to the office, all of the desparate pleadings of my father, all of the judges, cops, and even some of my bro's who were living the same treacherous life as I was....and their question was always the same "Why?" A very reasonable, very simple question that I could never answer. I really had no idea.
As my life progressed though as you would expect I eventually got used to it. I think I truly began to believe that my purpose here was to be everything I thought and everyone else said I was... bad. I remember being in a boys center in Sonoma, California. It was dormitory housing of 16-24 young men in each unit and 2 staff per unit during the day and 1 staff overnight. They worked on a point system. If you earned enough points you earn priveleges, and if you didn't they would make you dig holes in the dirt for 1-4 hours and then fill them right back in. If you don't understand why, then you don't understand the system. It is not structured to reform you, it is structured to break you. Unfortunately there was nothing to break in me. I was not obstinate, I was just overwhelmed by this sense of discomfort. I was just lost. So the system had a reverse effect on me. Instead of taking a bad kid and making him conform, it took a gentle, confused little boy and made him mean.
One night I had got into a fight and was made to stay up after lights out and scrub the tile floor near the common area. Mr. Voss was on staff. I have no issues telling you that I hated Mr. Voss. We all did. He was at least 6'6", well over 300 lbs., pure bred Samoian, and as I found out a raging alcoholic that loved confrontation. He would start it up between us and then reprimand us for giving him exactly what he wanted. You would think that we would be smart enough to recognize and avoid it, but he knew exactly what to say to challenge you. If you fought at least you weren't weak, if you didn't he would never let you live it down.
I finished scrubbing the floor and asked him to check my work. I knew how to handle him. STAY OUT OF THE LINE OF FIRE. Be respectful, but not submissive. "Mr. Voss can you clear me off the floor." To my astonishment he barely looked up, "you're clear.. go straight to your bunk." No problem. I was relieved until just about 10 minutes later I hear "Mr. Jasien bring your ass up here!" As I got up and stepped into my shower shoes everyone started sitting up and getting ready because there was a good chance that something was about to happen. "Is this where we store the mop bucket?" I can't believe after 6 months in this place I sabotaged myself like this. "Oh man, Mr Vos I'll take care of it." In an apologetic, you're right I am wrong tone. He ain't buying it. "Man don't play that aww shucks stuff with me punk, what does it take to get you to follow the rules?" Unfortunately my intelligence has up until this point not been able to out weigh my temperment. "Mr. Vos I just forgot I'll get it done right now." He steps really close to me. "You better watch that tone Mr. Jasien, or I'll put your ass down" and this is probably one of those moments when I should have really thought about what I was about to say and do instead of just saying and doing it. I put my hand out to stop him from coming any closer and he runs right into it "Dude what is your (bleeping) problem?"
BOOOM!
He was all over me. I froze at first. I couldn't believe how fast he was. I remember a sensation of intense fear like I had only felt maybe one or two times before in my life.. At first just chest bumping me up against the wall but as my only directive at this point was to get away from him as fast as I could I swung and the next thing I know he has both of his hands on each side of my face and lifts me off of the ground, slams me to the floor..... I tried to get up and he kicks my feet out from under me and I landed flat on my back hard, and the next thing I knew he dumps out the entire bucket of now ice cold, filthy mop water all over me. I looked up I saw the little caution sign (you know the picture of the stick figure slipping indicating to everyone that the floor is wet) on the mop bucket coming down on me as he was in full swing. At this point I am no longer afraid I am on my feet and spin around and kick the bucket just as he lets go of it. Perfect connection it flew across the room and I felt the surge of confidence you get from the crack of the bat in a homerun and I start shouting expletives I won't repeat telling him to bring it on, just to show him I was not afraid.. Unfortunately to my dismay he complied by charging and grabbing me by the neck, picking me up and slamming me into the wall and holding me there.
.......Everything went quiet. I could smell alcohol on his breath and that is when I remember coming to the realization that this lunatic was going to kill me.....
"Mr. Voss let him go", "He's had enough Mr. Voss" my brothers had all jumped from their bunks and were now stepping in to my aid. "Come on Mr Voss cut him loose." That's the thing about places like this... All you have is eachother. A common bond that is forever. Some of my oldest friends today I met in places just like this one. Stirring all this ugliness up, that is the one pure memory that I have of this time in my life... I loved those guys, I love them still, I will love them forever.
I opened my eyes and saw him looking around while he still had me elevated against the wall. At some point he let go and I dropped to the floor. I was soaking wet, freezing, my head pounding, my ears ringing, I knew my ankle was either sprained or broken, I was totally disoriented, and for just a moment all of the fight in me had just vanished. All I was thinking was "I am just a kid." I was 13 years old.
I never filed any complaint. I never spoke to anyone about what happened. Before I left that place I had two separate incident reports for attacking staff and one flight (where you depart the premises at high speeds without prior authorization). I walked on crutches for 2 months... The reason I bring this up is I believe that this moment is what permanently galvenized in my mind that this is what I deserved. There was nothing good about me.
So off I went down a dark road, with a dark future, and I deserved every bit of it... I went into those places at 12, almost 13 years old. I was maybe 5'7 to 5'8" and weighed in at a whopping 160 lbs. When I came out I was 6'3" and 215 lbs of nothing nice. It wasn't until around that time when I was 15 years old that someone finally had mercy on me, they gave me a drink of liquor, they gave me drugs.....For the first time in my life I had some relief...
What is your struggle?
God's intention for us is not suffering. God's intention for us is his favor, not to just exist in a black pool of shame. Through Him there is healing. Through Him there is hope. I have done all the research for you. I have tried everything to escape what is ultimately "100 different forms of fear." I have tried liquor, drugs.... I have been in 7 different drug and alcohol treatment centers, I have been arrested...Honestly I really have no idea how many times I have been arrested... 25? 30 times? I have been convicted of 4 separate felonies, and more misdemeanors than I can remember including 3 DUI's. I have been the target of at least two state investigations and one ongoing federal investigation for major fraud. I have totaled 4 vehicles..... I have compromised more than I was ever willing to lose including my own family who wanted nothing more than to love me and for me to just love them back. To give them the home life that they deserved. I have made many costly choices while God has waited patiently for me, and what he had for me costs NOTHING. I was like a mouse who cared about nothing more than getting a bite of that cheese. Over and over I ended up caught in the trap and at that moment, snagged in the trap where there seemed to be no hope, all I cared about was escape. I would struggle and fight to get free and make deals with God that if he just got me loose I swore I would never return, but the moment I was free..... I was going right back after that cheese.
That is what defines an addict. Not what your doing. Its why you do it. It's the notion in the back of my head that "this time it will be different." I am the gambler who loses everything he has, just to build it all back and lose it again. I am the woman who compromises her values for the man who says all the right things just so he will love her and even after being left over and over, she does it all over again and again with someone else who is no different and offers nothing more. I am the man who prowls on these desparate woman like a wild animal looking for food. I am the hoarder, the over eater, I am all of you. I am no different. Whatever we use is just the symptom of a big spiritual hole in us. I ran my life blurry eyed and at high rates of speed straight into the ground over and over until the one day that finally I ended up on my knees. It was no longer because she was gone. It was not because my kids were gone. It was not because my own brother wanted nothing to do with me and feared me being near his children. It was not because of the six figure jobs I would lose. It was not about not having any resources left to survive on. It was finally not because my life was unmanageable, it was because for the very first time in my life while facing these types of consequences I still couldn't stop. It was because I realized that this thing was going to kill me. It was for the most selfish reason of all. It was because I didn't want to die. By the grace of God, at that very moment, someone reached out to me.
He told me that 8 years earlier he was exactly where I was. His wife had divorced him, he had very little relationship with his children, he was facing 15 years in the state penitentiary, he was flat broke.... I started listening when he said that he was so close to taking his own life.... Sitting in front of me was now a man who had everything... "If your willing, I will walk you through this. If you do the work I promise that your life will change." I had been up for days. I was so out of it. I felt like I was so far under the water that I would never break the surface again. I went home and crashed hard. This testimony was just a whisper into the loud chaos and terrible desparation, but for some reason... It was just enough. I walked up to him the next day and I said "I will do whatever you tell me to."
There is absolutely nothing to great for God. For years I truly felt after asking for forgiveness many times that he didn't listen to me. That his promises did not apply to me. I would go to church and my wife would introduce me to people and I felt so absolutely out of place. My wife used to lay her hands on me and pray over and over for me when I was asleep. She would beg for God to remove the demons that kept me bound. I cannot imagine and never really stopped to think about how much you have to love someone and how desparate you have to be to do that....It's not that I didn't think God was real I thought that he just didn't love me, want me, or even know who I was.
I write this stuff because I am in search of a promise. I share this stuff because I want to be an example and testimony that that promise is for everyone. Just like someone else was to me. If I am forgiveable, if I am loveable, If I am worthy then rest assured you are too.
BELIEVE IT!
As you get older it comes from law enforcement, corrections officers, guidance counselors, some of whom are do-gooders who reach out to you because they take the time to see that there is so much more to you than what is written on the pages in front of them. Ultimately though there is no cure. The process continues and throughout my whole life I have proven time and time again... Those who tried to help me eventually give up and those who knew better get to say "see I told you so." There is no mistake. I am hopeless. Shame on me.
The hardest part about that is that it is not something that I would talk about. I think back to all the trips to the office, all of the desparate pleadings of my father, all of the judges, cops, and even some of my bro's who were living the same treacherous life as I was....and their question was always the same "Why?" A very reasonable, very simple question that I could never answer. I really had no idea.
As my life progressed though as you would expect I eventually got used to it. I think I truly began to believe that my purpose here was to be everything I thought and everyone else said I was... bad. I remember being in a boys center in Sonoma, California. It was dormitory housing of 16-24 young men in each unit and 2 staff per unit during the day and 1 staff overnight. They worked on a point system. If you earned enough points you earn priveleges, and if you didn't they would make you dig holes in the dirt for 1-4 hours and then fill them right back in. If you don't understand why, then you don't understand the system. It is not structured to reform you, it is structured to break you. Unfortunately there was nothing to break in me. I was not obstinate, I was just overwhelmed by this sense of discomfort. I was just lost. So the system had a reverse effect on me. Instead of taking a bad kid and making him conform, it took a gentle, confused little boy and made him mean.
One night I had got into a fight and was made to stay up after lights out and scrub the tile floor near the common area. Mr. Voss was on staff. I have no issues telling you that I hated Mr. Voss. We all did. He was at least 6'6", well over 300 lbs., pure bred Samoian, and as I found out a raging alcoholic that loved confrontation. He would start it up between us and then reprimand us for giving him exactly what he wanted. You would think that we would be smart enough to recognize and avoid it, but he knew exactly what to say to challenge you. If you fought at least you weren't weak, if you didn't he would never let you live it down.
I finished scrubbing the floor and asked him to check my work. I knew how to handle him. STAY OUT OF THE LINE OF FIRE. Be respectful, but not submissive. "Mr. Voss can you clear me off the floor." To my astonishment he barely looked up, "you're clear.. go straight to your bunk." No problem. I was relieved until just about 10 minutes later I hear "Mr. Jasien bring your ass up here!" As I got up and stepped into my shower shoes everyone started sitting up and getting ready because there was a good chance that something was about to happen. "Is this where we store the mop bucket?" I can't believe after 6 months in this place I sabotaged myself like this. "Oh man, Mr Vos I'll take care of it." In an apologetic, you're right I am wrong tone. He ain't buying it. "Man don't play that aww shucks stuff with me punk, what does it take to get you to follow the rules?" Unfortunately my intelligence has up until this point not been able to out weigh my temperment. "Mr. Vos I just forgot I'll get it done right now." He steps really close to me. "You better watch that tone Mr. Jasien, or I'll put your ass down" and this is probably one of those moments when I should have really thought about what I was about to say and do instead of just saying and doing it. I put my hand out to stop him from coming any closer and he runs right into it "Dude what is your (bleeping) problem?"
BOOOM!
He was all over me. I froze at first. I couldn't believe how fast he was. I remember a sensation of intense fear like I had only felt maybe one or two times before in my life.. At first just chest bumping me up against the wall but as my only directive at this point was to get away from him as fast as I could I swung and the next thing I know he has both of his hands on each side of my face and lifts me off of the ground, slams me to the floor..... I tried to get up and he kicks my feet out from under me and I landed flat on my back hard, and the next thing I knew he dumps out the entire bucket of now ice cold, filthy mop water all over me. I looked up I saw the little caution sign (you know the picture of the stick figure slipping indicating to everyone that the floor is wet) on the mop bucket coming down on me as he was in full swing. At this point I am no longer afraid I am on my feet and spin around and kick the bucket just as he lets go of it. Perfect connection it flew across the room and I felt the surge of confidence you get from the crack of the bat in a homerun and I start shouting expletives I won't repeat telling him to bring it on, just to show him I was not afraid.. Unfortunately to my dismay he complied by charging and grabbing me by the neck, picking me up and slamming me into the wall and holding me there.
.......Everything went quiet. I could smell alcohol on his breath and that is when I remember coming to the realization that this lunatic was going to kill me.....
"Mr. Voss let him go", "He's had enough Mr. Voss" my brothers had all jumped from their bunks and were now stepping in to my aid. "Come on Mr Voss cut him loose." That's the thing about places like this... All you have is eachother. A common bond that is forever. Some of my oldest friends today I met in places just like this one. Stirring all this ugliness up, that is the one pure memory that I have of this time in my life... I loved those guys, I love them still, I will love them forever.
I opened my eyes and saw him looking around while he still had me elevated against the wall. At some point he let go and I dropped to the floor. I was soaking wet, freezing, my head pounding, my ears ringing, I knew my ankle was either sprained or broken, I was totally disoriented, and for just a moment all of the fight in me had just vanished. All I was thinking was "I am just a kid." I was 13 years old.
I never filed any complaint. I never spoke to anyone about what happened. Before I left that place I had two separate incident reports for attacking staff and one flight (where you depart the premises at high speeds without prior authorization). I walked on crutches for 2 months... The reason I bring this up is I believe that this moment is what permanently galvenized in my mind that this is what I deserved. There was nothing good about me.
So off I went down a dark road, with a dark future, and I deserved every bit of it... I went into those places at 12, almost 13 years old. I was maybe 5'7 to 5'8" and weighed in at a whopping 160 lbs. When I came out I was 6'3" and 215 lbs of nothing nice. It wasn't until around that time when I was 15 years old that someone finally had mercy on me, they gave me a drink of liquor, they gave me drugs.....For the first time in my life I had some relief...
What is your struggle?
God's intention for us is not suffering. God's intention for us is his favor, not to just exist in a black pool of shame. Through Him there is healing. Through Him there is hope. I have done all the research for you. I have tried everything to escape what is ultimately "100 different forms of fear." I have tried liquor, drugs.... I have been in 7 different drug and alcohol treatment centers, I have been arrested...Honestly I really have no idea how many times I have been arrested... 25? 30 times? I have been convicted of 4 separate felonies, and more misdemeanors than I can remember including 3 DUI's. I have been the target of at least two state investigations and one ongoing federal investigation for major fraud. I have totaled 4 vehicles..... I have compromised more than I was ever willing to lose including my own family who wanted nothing more than to love me and for me to just love them back. To give them the home life that they deserved. I have made many costly choices while God has waited patiently for me, and what he had for me costs NOTHING. I was like a mouse who cared about nothing more than getting a bite of that cheese. Over and over I ended up caught in the trap and at that moment, snagged in the trap where there seemed to be no hope, all I cared about was escape. I would struggle and fight to get free and make deals with God that if he just got me loose I swore I would never return, but the moment I was free..... I was going right back after that cheese.
That is what defines an addict. Not what your doing. Its why you do it. It's the notion in the back of my head that "this time it will be different." I am the gambler who loses everything he has, just to build it all back and lose it again. I am the woman who compromises her values for the man who says all the right things just so he will love her and even after being left over and over, she does it all over again and again with someone else who is no different and offers nothing more. I am the man who prowls on these desparate woman like a wild animal looking for food. I am the hoarder, the over eater, I am all of you. I am no different. Whatever we use is just the symptom of a big spiritual hole in us. I ran my life blurry eyed and at high rates of speed straight into the ground over and over until the one day that finally I ended up on my knees. It was no longer because she was gone. It was not because my kids were gone. It was not because my own brother wanted nothing to do with me and feared me being near his children. It was not because of the six figure jobs I would lose. It was not about not having any resources left to survive on. It was finally not because my life was unmanageable, it was because for the very first time in my life while facing these types of consequences I still couldn't stop. It was because I realized that this thing was going to kill me. It was for the most selfish reason of all. It was because I didn't want to die. By the grace of God, at that very moment, someone reached out to me.
He told me that 8 years earlier he was exactly where I was. His wife had divorced him, he had very little relationship with his children, he was facing 15 years in the state penitentiary, he was flat broke.... I started listening when he said that he was so close to taking his own life.... Sitting in front of me was now a man who had everything... "If your willing, I will walk you through this. If you do the work I promise that your life will change." I had been up for days. I was so out of it. I felt like I was so far under the water that I would never break the surface again. I went home and crashed hard. This testimony was just a whisper into the loud chaos and terrible desparation, but for some reason... It was just enough. I walked up to him the next day and I said "I will do whatever you tell me to."
There is absolutely nothing to great for God. For years I truly felt after asking for forgiveness many times that he didn't listen to me. That his promises did not apply to me. I would go to church and my wife would introduce me to people and I felt so absolutely out of place. My wife used to lay her hands on me and pray over and over for me when I was asleep. She would beg for God to remove the demons that kept me bound. I cannot imagine and never really stopped to think about how much you have to love someone and how desparate you have to be to do that....It's not that I didn't think God was real I thought that he just didn't love me, want me, or even know who I was.
I write this stuff because I am in search of a promise. I share this stuff because I want to be an example and testimony that that promise is for everyone. Just like someone else was to me. If I am forgiveable, if I am loveable, If I am worthy then rest assured you are too.
BELIEVE IT!
Monday, June 6, 2011
A Perfect Day
So I picked my kids up Friday night. We were on our way out to my brothers' to spend the night and then we were going out to the lake to go camping. First we made a stop at a friends house to say goodbye before they move down to Houston, our kids play like maniacs and we get to our family's house, take baths, and crash.
I have all my kids sleeping with me in my nephews bed. My kids are all snugglers and I get as much of it from each of them while they are with me. I litterally have Taylor in one arm, Kaydie in the other arm, and Jacob lying on my stomach with his arms wrapped around me. I wake up early and Jake and Kayder Bug are already awake. Kaydie see's me open my eyes and jumps out of the bed and heads to the door in her jammies, my little J Man is right on her heels saying "let's go"! Taylor is a bit slower to move in the morning but pretty soon she is up and moving in anticipation with the other two who can barely contain themselves..... They are all excited and so am I.
I have never taken them camping. I could fill up a book with all the things I never did with them. This is a special time. I want it to be awesome. I want them to talk about how awesome a time this was for the rest of their lives. I want to be the best dad in the world. I want them to love being with me more than anything. ... Are you getting where I am going with this?
We make the bed, get dressed, and sneak out the door without waking anyone. We get to Wal Mart and I am careful not to forget anything. I have a list. I need everything to be perfect. I let them pick out a reasonable amount of junk food, floaties, I make sure to get sunscreen..... I am on top of it. We are already having fun. My kids are awesome and I love every moment with them. At some point Taylor mentions that we haven't had breakfast at which time of course everyone says they are hungry. I step it up to high gear and my plan is to get to the campsite about 20 minutes away and eat, set up camp, and hit the lake..... That was my plan.
As we get to the register I notice Jake is looking a little flush and his eyes are a little glossy. I feel his cheeks, his forehead, and his little hands.... He's hot. For a moment I really missed my wife. She was always a rock, always unflappable. One time we were all taking a walk and Kaydie fell right on her face and busted her head open and started bleeding everywhere. My first reaction was to just run away. I can't stand my kids being hurt, or sad.. It scares me. My wife gently held her, made her laugh about getting blood all over her and ruining her shirt, and made the mad dash to the emergency room a calm adventure. This was not that serious. He is acting normal, not like he is sick. I can handle this.
We make a detour back to the pharmacy section.. He had some bad ant bites from the night before and I thought that might be the issue.... I look for benadryl, can't really find what I am looking for and thought about asking a pharmacist but there was a line longer than the grand opening of In/Out Burger and I have three hungry kids. I decide on Motrin and head back to the register. We check out and hit the front door and it's already 90' plus outside. We get to the car and it's like 150' in there. "Daddy I'm hungry". I am still maintaining. "We're on our way guys, is everybody excited"? followed by "YEAH"! All in unison from the back seat. We hit the road, the car cools off, the praise music is on, and my kids are signing and laughing. I am doing good, and there are no issues that are too much for me... Well, not yet.
For maybe the 5th time in my life I have directions. Well that is not right. What I meant to say is for the 5th time in my life I am following directions. I know where I am going and how to get there. I had called the day before even and spoke to the Corps of Engineers to verify the types of campgrounds (I am all over the sand beach area campground), how much they cost, and what they expect for availability. I am on it. "Look at the lake guys"! Everyone's rubber necking out the window as we cross over the bridge almost to our destination. "Can we go swimming daddy"?
I pull up to the gate near a gravel area beach with itty bitty sand and big weed patches all throughout. "Where is the sand beach?" The guy gives me a look that tells me that is the sand beach. In simple country twang "Well your looking at it". I accept this as something he cannot change and move on. "I would like to take a camp area for the night". He gives me the same stupid look. "I bet, but we are all full", and I can't decide what I enjoyed more, the smart mouth response or the grin of satisfaction on his face. I immediately start assessing just how much trouble I would get in for grabbing him by the throat and holding firm as I toured the camp area just to verify he was correct. "Daddy are we not gonna get to go camping"?
I am silent for just a moment and calmly respond "Sir, I called yesterday and was told that there were plenty of camp sites, should I have reserved one in advance"? I think he expected a more aggressive response and started being a little more helpful. "There are some camp sites across the highway, it's just a more wooded area, still on the lake though." I nod and drive off.
Understand I am a baby. Especially when I put this much thought and planning into something I expect "all the players and props" to fall in line and do what they are supposed to. If I am unhappy I have no problem making sure that your day sucks too until I get what I want, and you spit in my cereal, I will make it rain all over your entire life. I want my way. When I don't get it, I don't care how big a boy you are... I am a right handful.
I get across the highway and to the camp site gate. They only have a few sites left and none near a working bathroom. I go through the process of asking my other qualifying questions to nothing but utter disappointment. "Is there another lake near here." This lady could tell I was heated. "No". Thank God. If it's not going to be what I anticipated then I am just impulsive enough to really ruin our day by venturing off into the totally unknown. So I am glad that door closed quickly. "Daddy when are we going to eat?"
I ask if we can go down and look first. "Yes," in a "please just go away" tone. I drive down and we find the least terrible spot. Yes it is on the lake. Well it is on a fifteen foot drop to the water. Fine. We will eat, change into bathing suits, set up, go back to the gate and pay for the site and head back to the beach and get our day started. We get unloaded, eat, change, and at that point I realize I don't have my wallet. After a moment of ferocious aggravation I realize I had set it down at the register and had left it at the Wal Mart, twenty minutes away. "Daddy can we go swimming now?" I can't believe how badly this is going. "Guys daddy is sorry, but I need to go back to the store. I left my wallet there." They start squirming. They can see I am frustrated. "We want to go swimming." Just then one of the gate attendants pulls up. I didn't think it would be a big deal to unpack eat and pay on our way to the beach. Now without my wallet, it's a big deal. I tell the guy I am just setting up and then we are headed to the beach... He gives me a look like I am trying to run some scam on him and I give him a look like I am 6'3" and 200 pounds of fighting fury and if you don't roll your window back up and drive away then your day is going to end very badly. He makes a good decision.
I load the kids in the car and drive to the gate, explain what happened and head all the way back to town. It's hot, my kids are starting to whine and ask the same questions over and over again, and my steering wheel is shaking all over... Low tire, alignment who knows? I get to Wal-Mart, I park right at the door, run inside and the lady sees me and says "you're wallet is at customer service." I got to the customer service and cut right in front of everybody and the lady tells me noone has brought her a wallet. The customer service manager says she will go and find out where it is. I go out the front door as this was not going to be quick and decide to park and when I got outside I saw that my rear tire was flat.
Have you ever seen "The Incredibles?" You know the part where Mr. Incredible just lost his job, pulls into his driveway, gets out of his car, slips on a skateboard and catches himself on the car door which is now deformed because of his super human strength, when he sees the door now won't close he slams it shatters the window and absolutely loses his mind? That should be a pretty clear picture. Moving on.
I literally think tears started welling up in my eyes, but at the same time I start laughing from complete deranged insanity when Kaydie sticks her head out the window with her little Kayder Bug smile "Can we go swimming now?" I pull around to the service center and the guy says it's going to be an hour at least and of course its going to cost almost $90.00. HAHAHA! Why not?!?!?! I am about to pull the kids out of the car. I am way passed aggravated and even mad. I am pissed off. My kids go silent. They can sense it. I click the seat control to lean it forward right when Kaydie lands in front of it... It knocks her forward.
Everyone stops...
This is one of those moments. The moments where I generally lose it. The moments that cost me so much more than I ever wanted to pay. She is not hurt but she is looking to get some confirmation that she is safe, they all are. I grin at her, she grins back. I giggle and they all start giggling with me. I pick her up. "I'm sorry honey, daddy wasn't being very careful are you okay?" I could feel any tension in her just vanish. I gathered my kids around me and we joined hands and I did something I generally do not do at a moment like this. I prayed. After I told them "Guys I am sorry things aren't going the way I said they would, but we are on a really big adventure and I want you guys to pay attention. Anything can happen."
"God what is the deal here? I am obedient. I am following. What the heck am I supposed to be seeing right now? WHY ARE YOU TESTING ME?"
"Daddy it's okay. Look they have alot of tires!" I am cooling way off now. I am listening. I am watching and I am learning from from these kids that there really are no big deals. What in the world is worth ruining your day over? How many days have I ruined? How many other people's days have I barged into and destroyed because I expect, I demand, and I do not compromise?
I find the customer service manager who says "sir I am so sorry, I am trying to locate your wallet." I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. "You know what? It's really okay. We are not in any hurry." Just then her phone rings. It was in the drawer right in front of the girl that originally said she didn't have any wallets and she has been the only there all morning. Go figure. We go back into the toy section, pull out four of those foam mini couches with Disney characters all over them, we lay em out and read books and play. Later we made our way back to the waiting area in the auto center and each of us took turns counting to three where we would all pretend to be asleep, first one to break silence loses. Jake lost every time. Then he would run around pushing on each of us yelling "TIME TO WAKE UP!" We would all resist him until we busted out laughing.
God is in the smallest of details. As I was sitting there having the best time with my kids I realized something. My steering wheel shaking as we left the lake and the whole way back to the store....... If I hadn't forgotten my wallet earlier that morning at the store we probably would have gone to the lake and swam until dark at which time I would have found my tire flat, with no spare, and without any cell service in the middle of basically nowhere. Wow. I closed my eyes and sat with that and how close I came to missing that message ..
A couple minutes later the service tech comes in and waves me over. "Sir you told me you bought your tires at Wal Mart so I checked and you actually had road hazard protection on your tire there, so it's going to be $10.00." Man, that is why I live my life the way I do today. That is why I am obedient. That is favor.
We went back to the lake and swam until the sun was going down. We were wiped out. We grilled out and talked and after nothing went as I had planned it, it was exactly how it was supposed to be. And you know what...?
It was perfect.
I have all my kids sleeping with me in my nephews bed. My kids are all snugglers and I get as much of it from each of them while they are with me. I litterally have Taylor in one arm, Kaydie in the other arm, and Jacob lying on my stomach with his arms wrapped around me. I wake up early and Jake and Kayder Bug are already awake. Kaydie see's me open my eyes and jumps out of the bed and heads to the door in her jammies, my little J Man is right on her heels saying "let's go"! Taylor is a bit slower to move in the morning but pretty soon she is up and moving in anticipation with the other two who can barely contain themselves..... They are all excited and so am I.
I have never taken them camping. I could fill up a book with all the things I never did with them. This is a special time. I want it to be awesome. I want them to talk about how awesome a time this was for the rest of their lives. I want to be the best dad in the world. I want them to love being with me more than anything. ... Are you getting where I am going with this?
We make the bed, get dressed, and sneak out the door without waking anyone. We get to Wal Mart and I am careful not to forget anything. I have a list. I need everything to be perfect. I let them pick out a reasonable amount of junk food, floaties, I make sure to get sunscreen..... I am on top of it. We are already having fun. My kids are awesome and I love every moment with them. At some point Taylor mentions that we haven't had breakfast at which time of course everyone says they are hungry. I step it up to high gear and my plan is to get to the campsite about 20 minutes away and eat, set up camp, and hit the lake..... That was my plan.
As we get to the register I notice Jake is looking a little flush and his eyes are a little glossy. I feel his cheeks, his forehead, and his little hands.... He's hot. For a moment I really missed my wife. She was always a rock, always unflappable. One time we were all taking a walk and Kaydie fell right on her face and busted her head open and started bleeding everywhere. My first reaction was to just run away. I can't stand my kids being hurt, or sad.. It scares me. My wife gently held her, made her laugh about getting blood all over her and ruining her shirt, and made the mad dash to the emergency room a calm adventure. This was not that serious. He is acting normal, not like he is sick. I can handle this.
We make a detour back to the pharmacy section.. He had some bad ant bites from the night before and I thought that might be the issue.... I look for benadryl, can't really find what I am looking for and thought about asking a pharmacist but there was a line longer than the grand opening of In/Out Burger and I have three hungry kids. I decide on Motrin and head back to the register. We check out and hit the front door and it's already 90' plus outside. We get to the car and it's like 150' in there. "Daddy I'm hungry". I am still maintaining. "We're on our way guys, is everybody excited"? followed by "YEAH"! All in unison from the back seat. We hit the road, the car cools off, the praise music is on, and my kids are signing and laughing. I am doing good, and there are no issues that are too much for me... Well, not yet.
For maybe the 5th time in my life I have directions. Well that is not right. What I meant to say is for the 5th time in my life I am following directions. I know where I am going and how to get there. I had called the day before even and spoke to the Corps of Engineers to verify the types of campgrounds (I am all over the sand beach area campground), how much they cost, and what they expect for availability. I am on it. "Look at the lake guys"! Everyone's rubber necking out the window as we cross over the bridge almost to our destination. "Can we go swimming daddy"?
I pull up to the gate near a gravel area beach with itty bitty sand and big weed patches all throughout. "Where is the sand beach?" The guy gives me a look that tells me that is the sand beach. In simple country twang "Well your looking at it". I accept this as something he cannot change and move on. "I would like to take a camp area for the night". He gives me the same stupid look. "I bet, but we are all full", and I can't decide what I enjoyed more, the smart mouth response or the grin of satisfaction on his face. I immediately start assessing just how much trouble I would get in for grabbing him by the throat and holding firm as I toured the camp area just to verify he was correct. "Daddy are we not gonna get to go camping"?
I am silent for just a moment and calmly respond "Sir, I called yesterday and was told that there were plenty of camp sites, should I have reserved one in advance"? I think he expected a more aggressive response and started being a little more helpful. "There are some camp sites across the highway, it's just a more wooded area, still on the lake though." I nod and drive off.
Understand I am a baby. Especially when I put this much thought and planning into something I expect "all the players and props" to fall in line and do what they are supposed to. If I am unhappy I have no problem making sure that your day sucks too until I get what I want, and you spit in my cereal, I will make it rain all over your entire life. I want my way. When I don't get it, I don't care how big a boy you are... I am a right handful.
I get across the highway and to the camp site gate. They only have a few sites left and none near a working bathroom. I go through the process of asking my other qualifying questions to nothing but utter disappointment. "Is there another lake near here." This lady could tell I was heated. "No". Thank God. If it's not going to be what I anticipated then I am just impulsive enough to really ruin our day by venturing off into the totally unknown. So I am glad that door closed quickly. "Daddy when are we going to eat?"
I ask if we can go down and look first. "Yes," in a "please just go away" tone. I drive down and we find the least terrible spot. Yes it is on the lake. Well it is on a fifteen foot drop to the water. Fine. We will eat, change into bathing suits, set up, go back to the gate and pay for the site and head back to the beach and get our day started. We get unloaded, eat, change, and at that point I realize I don't have my wallet. After a moment of ferocious aggravation I realize I had set it down at the register and had left it at the Wal Mart, twenty minutes away. "Daddy can we go swimming now?" I can't believe how badly this is going. "Guys daddy is sorry, but I need to go back to the store. I left my wallet there." They start squirming. They can see I am frustrated. "We want to go swimming." Just then one of the gate attendants pulls up. I didn't think it would be a big deal to unpack eat and pay on our way to the beach. Now without my wallet, it's a big deal. I tell the guy I am just setting up and then we are headed to the beach... He gives me a look like I am trying to run some scam on him and I give him a look like I am 6'3" and 200 pounds of fighting fury and if you don't roll your window back up and drive away then your day is going to end very badly. He makes a good decision.
I load the kids in the car and drive to the gate, explain what happened and head all the way back to town. It's hot, my kids are starting to whine and ask the same questions over and over again, and my steering wheel is shaking all over... Low tire, alignment who knows? I get to Wal-Mart, I park right at the door, run inside and the lady sees me and says "you're wallet is at customer service." I got to the customer service and cut right in front of everybody and the lady tells me noone has brought her a wallet. The customer service manager says she will go and find out where it is. I go out the front door as this was not going to be quick and decide to park and when I got outside I saw that my rear tire was flat.
Have you ever seen "The Incredibles?" You know the part where Mr. Incredible just lost his job, pulls into his driveway, gets out of his car, slips on a skateboard and catches himself on the car door which is now deformed because of his super human strength, when he sees the door now won't close he slams it shatters the window and absolutely loses his mind? That should be a pretty clear picture. Moving on.
I literally think tears started welling up in my eyes, but at the same time I start laughing from complete deranged insanity when Kaydie sticks her head out the window with her little Kayder Bug smile "Can we go swimming now?" I pull around to the service center and the guy says it's going to be an hour at least and of course its going to cost almost $90.00. HAHAHA! Why not?!?!?! I am about to pull the kids out of the car. I am way passed aggravated and even mad. I am pissed off. My kids go silent. They can sense it. I click the seat control to lean it forward right when Kaydie lands in front of it... It knocks her forward.
Everyone stops...
This is one of those moments. The moments where I generally lose it. The moments that cost me so much more than I ever wanted to pay. She is not hurt but she is looking to get some confirmation that she is safe, they all are. I grin at her, she grins back. I giggle and they all start giggling with me. I pick her up. "I'm sorry honey, daddy wasn't being very careful are you okay?" I could feel any tension in her just vanish. I gathered my kids around me and we joined hands and I did something I generally do not do at a moment like this. I prayed. After I told them "Guys I am sorry things aren't going the way I said they would, but we are on a really big adventure and I want you guys to pay attention. Anything can happen."
"God what is the deal here? I am obedient. I am following. What the heck am I supposed to be seeing right now? WHY ARE YOU TESTING ME?"
"Daddy it's okay. Look they have alot of tires!" I am cooling way off now. I am listening. I am watching and I am learning from from these kids that there really are no big deals. What in the world is worth ruining your day over? How many days have I ruined? How many other people's days have I barged into and destroyed because I expect, I demand, and I do not compromise?
I find the customer service manager who says "sir I am so sorry, I am trying to locate your wallet." I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. "You know what? It's really okay. We are not in any hurry." Just then her phone rings. It was in the drawer right in front of the girl that originally said she didn't have any wallets and she has been the only there all morning. Go figure. We go back into the toy section, pull out four of those foam mini couches with Disney characters all over them, we lay em out and read books and play. Later we made our way back to the waiting area in the auto center and each of us took turns counting to three where we would all pretend to be asleep, first one to break silence loses. Jake lost every time. Then he would run around pushing on each of us yelling "TIME TO WAKE UP!" We would all resist him until we busted out laughing.
God is in the smallest of details. As I was sitting there having the best time with my kids I realized something. My steering wheel shaking as we left the lake and the whole way back to the store....... If I hadn't forgotten my wallet earlier that morning at the store we probably would have gone to the lake and swam until dark at which time I would have found my tire flat, with no spare, and without any cell service in the middle of basically nowhere. Wow. I closed my eyes and sat with that and how close I came to missing that message ..
A couple minutes later the service tech comes in and waves me over. "Sir you told me you bought your tires at Wal Mart so I checked and you actually had road hazard protection on your tire there, so it's going to be $10.00." Man, that is why I live my life the way I do today. That is why I am obedient. That is favor.
We went back to the lake and swam until the sun was going down. We were wiped out. We grilled out and talked and after nothing went as I had planned it, it was exactly how it was supposed to be. And you know what...?
It was perfect.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
End Of The Road
Two days ago I did something I really never thought I would do. I filed for divorce. Ultimately of course that's not what I wanted, but it's an overwhelming burden to be married to someone that doesn't love you anymore. What I realized after completing this process is it's an overwhelming relief to finally just let go. All of the fire from years of the yeah but you did this and the just whose fault was it game just smokes right out. Isn't that amazing? To have so much negative emotion fueling the majority of a relationship you have with someone over the exact same issues for years... just gone. Is that Gods gift? Or is it maybe those issues were just really never that important in the first place?
I went out of town with friends and sat with the fact that when I got back I was going to do this. Honeslty though, in the back of my mind, I was waiting for God to step in. As the deadline approached I felt more and more anxious. "Where are you"?
I stayed plugged in with my support systems. Constantly feeding off the wisdom and direction that is given to me through others. I would be at peace for a little bit and then the anxiety would start to return and as I look back over the last week, every time I would start to feel like I was going to crumble my phone would ring or someone near me would notice I had gone quiet and ask if I was okay. Encouragement ignites the spirit, especially coming from people that have been there. To see that there is life on the other side of this through the testimony of others who have gone through it.
I wouldn't have made it this far without it.
It took six months to plan our wedding and almost $25,000.00 to pay for it. It took maybe an hour to fill out the paperwork and another 10 minutes to file for divorce. Oh and the cost to break up a family? $335.00. Think about that for a minute.
So really I have been a bit numb for the last two days or so. Today though I woke up with a bit of a struggle going on. I got on the phone, I got on my knees, and I went to a support group near my office. I had never been to this group before and had to leave a little early and as I went outside I heard someone whisper my name, "Kevin".
I turned around and looked through the glass door now closing between us and saw this huge guy coming my way. The door opens and standing in front of me was a guy I was in a drug treatment center with 2 years ago. He put his arms around me and I mean embraced me. It's impossible to have that happen and not feel something. This guy had gotten through treatment about the same time as I did but started using again immediately. He was a IV user and was consumed by a cocaine addiction. I remember the last time I saw him his eyes were glazed over and he could barely make a sentence. I was back at the treatment center visiting someone and he had checked back in, desparate to save his own life.
He has been clean ever since that day.
We talked for a bit and I got his number and jumped in my car and he went back inside. I put the key in the ignition and I could hear a clear voice "can you see me now"? Tears welled up in my eyes and are welling up in my eyes right now writing this. It hit me that I was just witness to the presence of God. I just embraced a walking miracle. "You have no idea the life I have in store for you. This is not the end of the road, it's just the beginning".
STAY ENCOURAGED.
I went out of town with friends and sat with the fact that when I got back I was going to do this. Honeslty though, in the back of my mind, I was waiting for God to step in. As the deadline approached I felt more and more anxious. "Where are you"?
I stayed plugged in with my support systems. Constantly feeding off the wisdom and direction that is given to me through others. I would be at peace for a little bit and then the anxiety would start to return and as I look back over the last week, every time I would start to feel like I was going to crumble my phone would ring or someone near me would notice I had gone quiet and ask if I was okay. Encouragement ignites the spirit, especially coming from people that have been there. To see that there is life on the other side of this through the testimony of others who have gone through it.
I wouldn't have made it this far without it.
It took six months to plan our wedding and almost $25,000.00 to pay for it. It took maybe an hour to fill out the paperwork and another 10 minutes to file for divorce. Oh and the cost to break up a family? $335.00. Think about that for a minute.
So really I have been a bit numb for the last two days or so. Today though I woke up with a bit of a struggle going on. I got on the phone, I got on my knees, and I went to a support group near my office. I had never been to this group before and had to leave a little early and as I went outside I heard someone whisper my name, "Kevin".
I turned around and looked through the glass door now closing between us and saw this huge guy coming my way. The door opens and standing in front of me was a guy I was in a drug treatment center with 2 years ago. He put his arms around me and I mean embraced me. It's impossible to have that happen and not feel something. This guy had gotten through treatment about the same time as I did but started using again immediately. He was a IV user and was consumed by a cocaine addiction. I remember the last time I saw him his eyes were glazed over and he could barely make a sentence. I was back at the treatment center visiting someone and he had checked back in, desparate to save his own life.
He has been clean ever since that day.
We talked for a bit and I got his number and jumped in my car and he went back inside. I put the key in the ignition and I could hear a clear voice "can you see me now"? Tears welled up in my eyes and are welling up in my eyes right now writing this. It hit me that I was just witness to the presence of God. I just embraced a walking miracle. "You have no idea the life I have in store for you. This is not the end of the road, it's just the beginning".
STAY ENCOURAGED.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Every Moment Counts
About a month ago I had called my wife to ask a question, I don’t remember what it was about, but as I was trying to get off the phone she told me my son wanted to talk to me. I remember being in a hurry and said I would call back. “Are you really not going to talk to your son”? Together or not my wife knows how to get my attention and she loves to do it too.
“Did you say no daddy”? You need to understand my son is the sweetest little guy you have ever met. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a boy. He loves his Woody and Buzz and Jesse dolls, Lightning McQueen is the man to him, he eats like a monster if you serve him pizza or macaroni and cheese, and refuses to eat anything if you serve pretty much anything else, and more than anything he loves to aggravate his sisters. You hear his little voice though and immediately you see how delicate he is. He is just a good little guy who doesn’t want his little feelings hurt.
“Daddy did you say no”?
On the exterior I remained real calm and simply said “Of course not buddy”, but inside I was on my knees begging for him to stop asking me that. That little voice and that direct of a question fueled by such a pure need, man it’s powerful. I spent the majority of their lives, all of my kids lives, gone. I was so self absorbed and consumed by darkness. I wonder how many times I walked by each of them and they reached out to me and I didn’t even see it because I was just looking to get out the door. That guilt is crushing. No I don’t dwell on it, but it’s not an easy one to forget.
As a parent from the time your children start walkin until they are about 5 years old a lot of people think their job is to just keep their kids alive. At least that was my thinking. I think I justified my basic abandonment of them because their mom is a good mom, they’re safe. Isn’t it amazing how we can look at a completely insane thought and go “yeah that makes sense”?
Today I see my children on Wednesdays and on weekends. I don’t get to wake up with them. I rarely get to tuck them in. When I am with them today though I cannot get enough of them. I want them all sitting on my lap at once with my arms wrapped around them. I pay attention to everything they say. I answer every question. I make everything they do a big deal. I try to set boundaries and I don’t let them get away…. Okay that’s a big fat lie, but I do set some boundaries so they don’t just walk all over me (not all the time at least). Most of our time is spent at the park or at McDonalds, and I am not just their to appease them for 15 minutes at which time I can load them up and take them back to mommy. I spoil them, and play with them, and feed them junk food and make them laugh until they feel like they’re gonna puke because they are great kids and they deserve a lot more from me than a vanishing act. Isn't it ironic how these little people are the biggest victims of my past, and they love me more than anything, unconditionally.
What a blessing.
“Did you say no daddy”? You need to understand my son is the sweetest little guy you have ever met. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a boy. He loves his Woody and Buzz and Jesse dolls, Lightning McQueen is the man to him, he eats like a monster if you serve him pizza or macaroni and cheese, and refuses to eat anything if you serve pretty much anything else, and more than anything he loves to aggravate his sisters. You hear his little voice though and immediately you see how delicate he is. He is just a good little guy who doesn’t want his little feelings hurt.
“Daddy did you say no”?
On the exterior I remained real calm and simply said “Of course not buddy”, but inside I was on my knees begging for him to stop asking me that. That little voice and that direct of a question fueled by such a pure need, man it’s powerful. I spent the majority of their lives, all of my kids lives, gone. I was so self absorbed and consumed by darkness. I wonder how many times I walked by each of them and they reached out to me and I didn’t even see it because I was just looking to get out the door. That guilt is crushing. No I don’t dwell on it, but it’s not an easy one to forget.
As a parent from the time your children start walkin until they are about 5 years old a lot of people think their job is to just keep their kids alive. At least that was my thinking. I think I justified my basic abandonment of them because their mom is a good mom, they’re safe. Isn’t it amazing how we can look at a completely insane thought and go “yeah that makes sense”?
Today I see my children on Wednesdays and on weekends. I don’t get to wake up with them. I rarely get to tuck them in. When I am with them today though I cannot get enough of them. I want them all sitting on my lap at once with my arms wrapped around them. I pay attention to everything they say. I answer every question. I make everything they do a big deal. I try to set boundaries and I don’t let them get away…. Okay that’s a big fat lie, but I do set some boundaries so they don’t just walk all over me (not all the time at least). Most of our time is spent at the park or at McDonalds, and I am not just their to appease them for 15 minutes at which time I can load them up and take them back to mommy. I spoil them, and play with them, and feed them junk food and make them laugh until they feel like they’re gonna puke because they are great kids and they deserve a lot more from me than a vanishing act. Isn't it ironic how these little people are the biggest victims of my past, and they love me more than anything, unconditionally.
What a blessing.
Monday, May 30, 2011
All I Ever Wanted To Be Was A Hells Angel
I grew up in the foothills of San Leandro, California. Just outside of Oakland. Beautiful climate, dangerous enviornment. It is the central nerve of Northern California, where all of the races collide. Many black, hispanic, asian, phillipino gangs all separated in the avenues. I don't mean a rowdy group of teens. I am talking about 2-3 generations of commitment. I remember being very young and driving down to the bottom of our hill to E14th st where all the avenues end and as we came to the stop light I heard the coming of a loud roar. I sat up in my seat and looked out the window. As I did the roar had almost consumed any other sound and at that moment I saw the flash of black, denim, and shiny chrome. "Dad who are those guys"? My eyes were wide and I was in complete awe of this uniformed group riding loud motorcycles in a tight formation. Man that was a powerful sight.
"Hells Angels".
I remember going to class the next school day and during "show and tell" (even though I don't think that is what we called it in that class) I got up and told everyone what I'd seen. "Big deal my mom's boyfriend is a Hells Angel" I think Elton Texiera said (what a putz, I used to beat the crap out of him anyways). It was a big deal to me, but what was an even bigger deal was that everyone else had a connection of some kind to them. I wanted one. Man I wanted to be one. To me they were like superheroes.
Over the years I have been a part of many groups. From the titans of industry and finance to the titans of going nowhere fast. I was always in search of that comeraderie, that loyalty. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. that I was likeable and worthy of even being on this planet with the rest of you. No matter where I went. No matter who I was with there was nobody cool enough to make me cool, nobody beautiful enough to make me beautiful, and no one okay enough to make me feel okay. For so much of my life I felt completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt cursed and I spent half of my life trying to kill that pain.
All of the things that I have shared in these writings and will share is the stuff I would never talk about. I thought that talking about it would make me weak in the eyes of others, and truthfully all I have ever wanted was not to be a gangster.... All I ever wanted was to just feel like I belonged.
"Hells Angels".
I remember going to class the next school day and during "show and tell" (even though I don't think that is what we called it in that class) I got up and told everyone what I'd seen. "Big deal my mom's boyfriend is a Hells Angel" I think Elton Texiera said (what a putz, I used to beat the crap out of him anyways). It was a big deal to me, but what was an even bigger deal was that everyone else had a connection of some kind to them. I wanted one. Man I wanted to be one. To me they were like superheroes.
Over the years I have been a part of many groups. From the titans of industry and finance to the titans of going nowhere fast. I was always in search of that comeraderie, that loyalty. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. that I was likeable and worthy of even being on this planet with the rest of you. No matter where I went. No matter who I was with there was nobody cool enough to make me cool, nobody beautiful enough to make me beautiful, and no one okay enough to make me feel okay. For so much of my life I felt completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt cursed and I spent half of my life trying to kill that pain.
All of the things that I have shared in these writings and will share is the stuff I would never talk about. I thought that talking about it would make me weak in the eyes of others, and truthfully all I have ever wanted was not to be a gangster.... All I ever wanted was to just feel like I belonged.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I'm The Bad Guy
It was early October and I was walking through the house totally unprepared for the next phase of life I was about to enter. I ran into my mother in law who was on the phone..... "ah huh", "okay", "I don't know", and when she saw me her eyes got really big and she covered the phone and mouthed something....
Did she just say what I think she said?
"What"? I mouthed and she covered the phone again.
"The FBI is looking for you". Yep that's what I thought she said.
So the moment had finally arrived. I had a pretty good idea as to why they were calling.... Many of my former...um..."business associates" had already gotten this call some were already in prison, awaiting trial, some had already gotten out of prison. "Man are you kidding me"? It had been 5 years. I had been living on borrowed time for years and I guess I knew it. There was no ignoring this, doom was no longer impending... It was here.
My attorney has been with me for many years and multiple trials and investigations. He is incredible and I love him and would do anything for him. When we sat down after his meeting with the feds he said something to me I never thought I would hear come out of his mouth.
"We need to make a deal". Wow.
I knew at that moment that my life was about to change forever, I knew nothing could ever be the same.
After 16 hours of giving every detail of every deep dark secret I had. Telling them everything I had done over the last 15 years.. The majority of which they would have never found out about, the agent put his pen down and looked I don’t know, satisfied. I remember he said that he had never anticipated me being so forthcoming.
I will never forget the next moment as long as I live.
"I find myself wishing for something better for you Kevin," I had been up for a couple of days and everything was so foggy but I remember this clearly "my opinion is that you are really a guy who wants a better life. What are you looking for in all of this"?
I closed my eyes for a moment and it took every bit of strength I had not to burst into tears. That’s the thing about any kind of law enforcement that most people don’t realize. They know how to envoke emotion and this fricken guy just looked right through me and pulled a Dr. Phil. I remember thinking that all of this was about to be summed up and everything I had done and just been through and where I was about to go was about this moment. I could see the faces of every family member, friend, teacher, guidance counselor, corrections officer… man every one who ever just showed me just for a moment that I mattered There was no way I was going to break down right now.
I opened my eyes and said "I dont know man, redemption"?
“Come on everyone makes bad decisions”. Dr. Phil again “You have got to find forgiveness for yourself”. Was this guy for real?
“Man let me explain something” I carefully named 5-6 people whose fates in this whole debacle had already been determined. "You know those names"? He nodded "You bet I do".
I hesitated for a moment "Yeah but what you don't know is I know them too. I taught them all, most of them had never been in any trouble before and had they never met me, they never would have met you. I am the how and why of it all. I'm the bad guy."
Did she just say what I think she said?
"What"? I mouthed and she covered the phone again.
"The FBI is looking for you". Yep that's what I thought she said.
So the moment had finally arrived. I had a pretty good idea as to why they were calling.... Many of my former...um..."business associates" had already gotten this call some were already in prison, awaiting trial, some had already gotten out of prison. "Man are you kidding me"? It had been 5 years. I had been living on borrowed time for years and I guess I knew it. There was no ignoring this, doom was no longer impending... It was here.
My attorney has been with me for many years and multiple trials and investigations. He is incredible and I love him and would do anything for him. When we sat down after his meeting with the feds he said something to me I never thought I would hear come out of his mouth.
"We need to make a deal". Wow.
I knew at that moment that my life was about to change forever, I knew nothing could ever be the same.
After 16 hours of giving every detail of every deep dark secret I had. Telling them everything I had done over the last 15 years.. The majority of which they would have never found out about, the agent put his pen down and looked I don’t know, satisfied. I remember he said that he had never anticipated me being so forthcoming.
I will never forget the next moment as long as I live.
"I find myself wishing for something better for you Kevin," I had been up for a couple of days and everything was so foggy but I remember this clearly "my opinion is that you are really a guy who wants a better life. What are you looking for in all of this"?
I closed my eyes for a moment and it took every bit of strength I had not to burst into tears. That’s the thing about any kind of law enforcement that most people don’t realize. They know how to envoke emotion and this fricken guy just looked right through me and pulled a Dr. Phil. I remember thinking that all of this was about to be summed up and everything I had done and just been through and where I was about to go was about this moment. I could see the faces of every family member, friend, teacher, guidance counselor, corrections officer… man every one who ever just showed me just for a moment that I mattered There was no way I was going to break down right now.
I opened my eyes and said "I dont know man, redemption"?
“Come on everyone makes bad decisions”. Dr. Phil again “You have got to find forgiveness for yourself”. Was this guy for real?
“Man let me explain something” I carefully named 5-6 people whose fates in this whole debacle had already been determined. "You know those names"? He nodded "You bet I do".
I hesitated for a moment "Yeah but what you don't know is I know them too. I taught them all, most of them had never been in any trouble before and had they never met me, they never would have met you. I am the how and why of it all. I'm the bad guy."
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
What's Really Going On?
My sister in law is very wise. She is spirit filled and when I am off the beam and running my life into the ground at full speed... Well let's just say that she and I bang heads like a couple rams in the african safari. When I am striving for the next level though, I rely on her direction quite a bit...
I remember some time ago we were talking about finances and obedience and she said something that I have held onto. She said that material things never define you, but they are good meters of where you are. For instance she said your car is a very good indicator of where your life is. I thought that was so simple, but really insightful.
Recently my oldest daughter and I were driving in my borrowed 1998 Ford and she asked "why is this car so shaky"? I told her what her Aunt Shannan had told me...
We looked at eachother and both busted out laughing.
I remember some time ago we were talking about finances and obedience and she said something that I have held onto. She said that material things never define you, but they are good meters of where you are. For instance she said your car is a very good indicator of where your life is. I thought that was so simple, but really insightful.
Recently my oldest daughter and I were driving in my borrowed 1998 Ford and she asked "why is this car so shaky"? I told her what her Aunt Shannan had told me...
We looked at eachother and both busted out laughing.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
One Breath At A Time.
I struggled today.
I did everything that is suggested, but for most of the day it really didn't feel like enough. I was just angry.
Well not angry.... Agitated. You know? Do you ever just feel sensitive to every little thing around you?
It makes me nervous. It makes me realize how not-cured I am. There are days I want to run out and jump back into life and expect everyone to forget what a lunatic I have been for like... What 10 years? Today was a reminder that I need to keep it real simple. Know what I'm saying there dogg?
Don't get to far ahead of yourself..... Because that's when I will start ignoring all the people supporting me. That's when I will start running things my way.... Then I will find myself all alone and vulnerable... Before you know it......
Darkness
My mind is a frightening place. Sometimes I am afraid to be there alone.
I did everything that is suggested, but for most of the day it really didn't feel like enough. I was just angry.
Well not angry.... Agitated. You know? Do you ever just feel sensitive to every little thing around you?
It makes me nervous. It makes me realize how not-cured I am. There are days I want to run out and jump back into life and expect everyone to forget what a lunatic I have been for like... What 10 years? Today was a reminder that I need to keep it real simple. Know what I'm saying there dogg?
Don't get to far ahead of yourself..... Because that's when I will start ignoring all the people supporting me. That's when I will start running things my way.... Then I will find myself all alone and vulnerable... Before you know it......
Darkness
My mind is a frightening place. Sometimes I am afraid to be there alone.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
All I Had To Lose..... Was Everything
Today is Easter Sunday. I spent the day with my oldest daughter, dad, and my brothers... Nieces, nephews.... It would be silly to act like there wasn't something missing.
It's hard to stay on that thought... Where are my kids? My wife? Answering those questions is harder. Everyone knows man. C'mon if you don't know what's happening here you have spent the last 7-8 months in middle earth.
I realized today that this was actually the first time I had participated in anything like this since... What? Thanksgiving? When I start using... I vanish. I disappear to a dark and lonely place and when I am there I can't believe that I actually chose to return, but now I can't get away.
I feel inadequate and judged.
I didn't feel like that today.... After I dropped my daughter off back to her mom I was rolling down an empty highway. It was about to storm and I turned off the AC and rolled down all the windows. I reflected on the day and how I felt so peaceful at that moment. Praise music was blasting and I swear I felt so filled....
I don't know why I have to end up here to feel this kind of freedom? Why can I not see the road signs and stop and turn around before it gets bad? I am an extremist.. Rest assured if you smell smoke... Run. I am not starting a campfire. I am burning down the house.
I am working towards the answers..
Today...
I am ok in the crowd not because you accept me, but because I am starting to accept me.
I am starting to enjoy a little bit of peace that I have never known... Not because I have everything back that I have lost, but because I have nothing left to lose.
I am no longer sinking.... The darkness is behind me, not far behind..... But behind me.
I am no longer fearful.... because today I have just a little bit of hope..
But for the Grace of God.
It's hard to stay on that thought... Where are my kids? My wife? Answering those questions is harder. Everyone knows man. C'mon if you don't know what's happening here you have spent the last 7-8 months in middle earth.
I realized today that this was actually the first time I had participated in anything like this since... What? Thanksgiving? When I start using... I vanish. I disappear to a dark and lonely place and when I am there I can't believe that I actually chose to return, but now I can't get away.
I feel inadequate and judged.
I didn't feel like that today.... After I dropped my daughter off back to her mom I was rolling down an empty highway. It was about to storm and I turned off the AC and rolled down all the windows. I reflected on the day and how I felt so peaceful at that moment. Praise music was blasting and I swear I felt so filled....
I don't know why I have to end up here to feel this kind of freedom? Why can I not see the road signs and stop and turn around before it gets bad? I am an extremist.. Rest assured if you smell smoke... Run. I am not starting a campfire. I am burning down the house.
I am working towards the answers..
Today...
I am ok in the crowd not because you accept me, but because I am starting to accept me.
I am starting to enjoy a little bit of peace that I have never known... Not because I have everything back that I have lost, but because I have nothing left to lose.
I am no longer sinking.... The darkness is behind me, not far behind..... But behind me.
I am no longer fearful.... because today I have just a little bit of hope..
But for the Grace of God.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Everything's On the Floor
I really never understood the purpose of blogging. I never understood sharing your personal life with people you do not know. I believe I understand a bit better today.
About a year and a half ago I remember coming across a blog that was written by a young woman who was trying to survive in a suburban community with her 3 children and her husband… who was a severe meth addict. In very personable detail she described how faith empowered her through the unpredictability of the man she loved. The crushing effect of abuse, the extreme disorder, and the heartbreak of abandonment.
How she believed through total despair.
Today I look at that blog and how committed she was to her family. How faithful she was to her marriage, and how passionate she remained to God. How precious her children were to her and how much she loved being a mommy. Over time she began to fade though, and eventually she was gone….
It is really one of the only things left of my wife that I have to hold onto. She has been gone for 5 months now, hell she’s been gone longer than that truthfully. I will never forget the moments.. The moments I should have paid attention to where my wife would reach out to me gently “Am I losing you again”? The moments where she would beg me to be truthful just to feel that she mattered.. Mostly I remember the really dark times where my wife would be crouched with her eyes closed, face red, and her lip quivering uncontrollably. The broken “things” that we chose to fill our house with. The pictures, the vases, the things that we would sweep up at the end of such a night. My 16 year old was nowhere to be found, having already had enough and not willing to be witness to the chaos anymore. My 3 year old son and 7 year old daughter with their hands on their mama, comforting her and my fearless 4 year old standing in between us. These are the shameful moments that will haunt me forever.
These are the moments that destroyed a family….. my family.
My name is Kevin and I am a recovering addict. I have spent the majority of the last 10 years lost to methamphetamine. I have spent a lifetime trying to fill a loneliness that I believe I was born with. I would like to connect with people who are suffering, who are recovering, and who are healed. I have never been willing to share too much of anything about myself openly with anyone. I have been hiding behind a very good presentation for my entire life. Today I believe that my life depends on letting go of this shame and being a service to others like me or I will die. If you are living it or you are living with it then we are already bound. This journey cannot be traveled alone….
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)