I'm The Bad Guy

It was early October and I was walking through the house totally unprepared for the next phase of life I was about to enter.  I ran into my mother in law who was on the phone.....  "ah huh", "okay", "I don't know", and when she saw me her eyes got really big and she covered the phone and mouthed something....

Did she just say what I think she said?

"What"? I mouthed and she covered the phone again.
"The FBI is looking for you".  Yep that's what I thought she said.

So the moment had finally arrived.  I had a pretty good idea as to why they were calling.... Many of my former...um..."business associates" had already gotten this call some were already in prison, awaiting trial, some had already gotten out of prison.  "Man are you kidding me"? It had been 5 years.  I had been living on borrowed time for years and I guess I knew it.  There was no ignoring this, doom was no longer impending...    It was here.

My attorney has been  with me for many years and multiple trials and investigations.  He is incredible and I love him and would do anything for him.  When we sat down after his meeting with the feds he said something to me I never thought I would hear come out of his mouth.

"We need to make a deal".  Wow.

I knew at that moment that my life was about to change forever, I knew nothing could ever be the same.

After 16 hours of giving every detail of every deep dark secret I had.  Telling them everything I had done over the last 15 years.. The majority of which they would have never found out about, the agent put his pen down and looked I don’t know, satisfied.  I remember he said that he had never anticipated me being so forthcoming.

I will never forget the next moment as long as I live.

"I find myself wishing for something better for you Kevin," I had been up for a couple of days and everything was so foggy but I remember this clearly "my opinion is that you are really a guy who wants a better life. What are you looking for in all of this"?

I closed my eyes for a moment and it took every bit of strength I had not to burst into tears. That’s the thing about any kind of law enforcement that most people don’t realize.  They know how to envoke emotion and this fricken guy just looked right through me and pulled a Dr. Phil.  I remember thinking that all of this was about to be summed up and everything I had done and just been through and where I was about to go was about this moment.  I could see the faces of every family member, friend, teacher, guidance counselor, corrections officer… man every one who ever just showed me just for a moment that I mattered  There was no way I was going to break down right now.

I opened my eyes and said "I dont know man, redemption"?
“Come on everyone makes bad decisions”.  Dr. Phil again “You have got to find forgiveness for yourself”.  Was this guy for real?

“Man let me explain something” I carefully named 5-6 people whose fates in this whole debacle had already been determined.  "You know those names"?  He nodded "You bet I do".
I hesitated for a moment "Yeah but what you don't know is I know them too.  I taught them all,  most of them had never been in any trouble before and had they never met me,  they never would have met you.  I am the how and why of it all.   I'm the bad guy."