I really never understood the purpose of blogging. I never understood sharing your personal life with people you do not know. I believe I understand a bit better today.
About a year and a half ago I remember coming across a blog that was written by a young woman who was trying to survive in a suburban community with her 3 children and her husband… who was a severe meth addict. In very personable detail she described how faith empowered her through the unpredictability of the man she loved. The crushing effect of abuse, the extreme disorder, and the heartbreak of abandonment.
How she believed through total despair.
Today I look at that blog and how committed she was to her family. How faithful she was to her marriage, and how passionate she remained to God. How precious her children were to her and how much she loved being a mommy. Over time she began to fade though, and eventually she was gone….
It is really one of the only things left of my wife that I have to hold onto. She has been gone for 5 months now, hell she’s been gone longer than that truthfully. I will never forget the moments.. The moments I should have paid attention to where my wife would reach out to me gently “Am I losing you again”? The moments where she would beg me to be truthful just to feel that she mattered.. Mostly I remember the really dark times where my wife would be crouched with her eyes closed, face red, and her lip quivering uncontrollably. The broken “things” that we chose to fill our house with. The pictures, the vases, the things that we would sweep up at the end of such a night. My 16 year old was nowhere to be found, having already had enough and not willing to be witness to the chaos anymore. My 3 year old son and 7 year old daughter with their hands on their mama, comforting her and my fearless 4 year old standing in between us. These are the shameful moments that will haunt me forever.
These are the moments that destroyed a family….. my family.
My name is Kevin and I am a recovering addict. I have spent the majority of the last 10 years lost to methamphetamine. I have spent a lifetime trying to fill a loneliness that I believe I was born with. I would like to connect with people who are suffering, who are recovering, and who are healed. I have never been willing to share too much of anything about myself openly with anyone. I have been hiding behind a very good presentation for my entire life. Today I believe that my life depends on letting go of this shame and being a service to others like me or I will die. If you are living it or you are living with it then we are already bound. This journey cannot be traveled alone….
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