One Breath At A Time.

I struggled today.

I did everything that is suggested, but for most of the day it really didn't feel like enough.  I was just angry.
Well not angry.... Agitated.  You know?  Do you ever just feel sensitive to every little thing around you?
It makes me nervous.  It makes me realize how not-cured I am.  There are days I want to run out and jump back into life and expect everyone to forget what a lunatic I have been for like... What 10 years?  Today was a reminder that I need to keep it real simple.  Know what I'm saying there dogg?

Don't get to far ahead of yourself.....  Because that's when I will start ignoring all the people supporting me.   That's when I will start running things my way.... Then I will find myself all alone and vulnerable... Before you know it......  

Darkness

My mind is a frightening place.  Sometimes I am afraid to be there alone.

All I Had To Lose..... Was Everything

Today is Easter Sunday.  I spent the day with my oldest daughter, dad, and my brothers...  Nieces, nephews.... It would be silly to act like there wasn't something missing. 

It's hard to stay on that thought... Where are my kids? My wife?  Answering those questions is harder. Everyone knows man.  C'mon if you don't know what's happening here you have spent the last 7-8 months in middle earth. 
I realized today that this was actually the first time I had participated in anything like this since... What? Thanksgiving?  When I start using...   I vanish.  I disappear to a dark and lonely place and when I am there I can't believe that I actually chose to return, but now I can't get away.

I feel inadequate and judged.

I didn't feel like that today....  After I dropped my daughter off back to her mom I was rolling down an empty highway.  It was about to storm and I turned off the AC and rolled down all the windows.  I reflected on the day and how I felt so peaceful at that moment.  Praise music was blasting and I swear I felt so filled....

I don't know why I have to end up here to feel this kind of freedom?  Why can I not see the road signs and stop and turn around before it gets bad?  I am an extremist.. Rest assured if you smell smoke... Run.  I am not starting a campfire.  I am burning down the house. 

I am working towards the answers..

Today...

I am ok in the crowd not because you accept me, but because I am starting to accept me.

I am starting to enjoy a little bit of  peace that I have never known... Not because I have everything back that  I have lost, but because I have nothing left to lose.

I am no longer sinking....  The darkness is behind me, not far behind..... But behind me.

I am no longer fearful.... because today I have just a little bit of hope..

But for the Grace of God.