One Breath At A Time.

I struggled today.

I did everything that is suggested, but for most of the day it really didn't feel like enough.  I was just angry.
Well not angry.... Agitated.  You know?  Do you ever just feel sensitive to every little thing around you?
It makes me nervous.  It makes me realize how not-cured I am.  There are days I want to run out and jump back into life and expect everyone to forget what a lunatic I have been for like... What 10 years?  Today was a reminder that I need to keep it real simple.  Know what I'm saying there dogg?

Don't get to far ahead of yourself.....  Because that's when I will start ignoring all the people supporting me.   That's when I will start running things my way.... Then I will find myself all alone and vulnerable... Before you know it......  

Darkness

My mind is a frightening place.  Sometimes I am afraid to be there alone.

All I Had To Lose..... Was Everything

Today is Easter Sunday.  I spent the day with my oldest daughter, dad, and my brothers...  Nieces, nephews.... It would be silly to act like there wasn't something missing. 

It's hard to stay on that thought... Where are my kids? My wife?  Answering those questions is harder. Everyone knows man.  C'mon if you don't know what's happening here you have spent the last 7-8 months in middle earth. 
I realized today that this was actually the first time I had participated in anything like this since... What? Thanksgiving?  When I start using...   I vanish.  I disappear to a dark and lonely place and when I am there I can't believe that I actually chose to return, but now I can't get away.

I feel inadequate and judged.

I didn't feel like that today....  After I dropped my daughter off back to her mom I was rolling down an empty highway.  It was about to storm and I turned off the AC and rolled down all the windows.  I reflected on the day and how I felt so peaceful at that moment.  Praise music was blasting and I swear I felt so filled....

I don't know why I have to end up here to feel this kind of freedom?  Why can I not see the road signs and stop and turn around before it gets bad?  I am an extremist.. Rest assured if you smell smoke... Run.  I am not starting a campfire.  I am burning down the house. 

I am working towards the answers..

Today...

I am ok in the crowd not because you accept me, but because I am starting to accept me.

I am starting to enjoy a little bit of  peace that I have never known... Not because I have everything back that  I have lost, but because I have nothing left to lose.

I am no longer sinking....  The darkness is behind me, not far behind..... But behind me.

I am no longer fearful.... because today I have just a little bit of hope..

But for the Grace of God.

Everything's On the Floor

   I really never understood the purpose of blogging.  I never understood sharing your personal life with people you do not know.  I believe I understand a bit better today.

  About a year and a half ago I remember coming across a blog that was written by a young woman who was trying to survive in a suburban community with her 3 children and her husband… who was a severe meth addict.  In very personable detail she described how faith empowered her through the unpredictability of the man she loved.  The crushing effect of abuse, the extreme disorder, and the heartbreak of abandonment. 

How she believed through total despair. 

  Today I look at that blog and how committed she was to her family.  How faithful she was to her marriage, and how passionate she remained to God.  How precious her children were to her and how much she loved being a mommy. Over time she began to fade though, and eventually she was gone…. 

  It is really one of the only things left of my wife that I have to hold onto.  She has been gone for 5 months now, hell she’s been gone longer than that truthfully.  I will never forget the moments..  The moments I should have paid attention to where my wife would reach out to me gently “Am I losing you again”?  The moments where she would beg me to be truthful just to feel that she mattered..  Mostly I remember the really dark times where my wife would be crouched with her eyes closed, face red, and her lip quivering uncontrollably.  The broken “things” that we chose to fill our house with. The pictures, the vases, the things that we would sweep up at the end of such a night.  My 16 year old was nowhere to be found, having already had enough and not willing to be witness to the chaos anymore.  My 3 year old son and 7 year old daughter with their hands on their mama, comforting her and my fearless 4 year old standing in between us.  These are the shameful moments that will haunt me forever. 

             

 These are the moments that destroyed a family…..   my family.

My name is Kevin and I am a recovering addict.  I have spent the majority of the last 10 years lost to methamphetamine. I have spent a lifetime trying to fill a loneliness that I believe I was born with.  I would like to connect with people who are suffering, who are recovering, and who are healed.  I have never been willing to share too much of anything about myself openly with anyone.  I have been hiding behind a very good presentation for my entire life.  Today I believe that my life depends on letting go of this shame and being a service to others like me or I will die. If you are living it or you are living with it then we are already bound. This journey cannot be traveled alone….