Letting Go

  I was driving on the freeway this morning and there was one of those electric alert signs that they display all over DFW.  It said "WARNING - EXTREME WILDFIRE DANGER!".  I was right on the edge of downtown Ft. Worth. Really? 
  It did make me think though.  Imagine how many people would be so much better off if I had come with a sign like that.

"WARNING - YOU CAN'T RELY ON ANYTHING THIS GUY SAYS."

"WARNING - DO NOT CO SIGN ON A CAR LOAN FOR THIS GUY - HE GAMBLES."

"WARNING - YOU SHOULD NOT GET INTO ANY TYPE OF INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY!  HE MAY LOOK GOOD, BUT HE AINT NOTHING NICE!"  LOL.

  This week I am dealing with some loss.  It's really not that big of a loss, not for someone who over the last 5 years has lost a wife,  a family, the woman who raised me to cancer, a $400,000 home in the suburbs, well over $300,000 in liquid cash, cars, clothes, etc...   Not for someone who has a net worth of 5 dress shirts, 4 pairs of slacks, maybe 6 t-shirts , 1 pair of jeans, 4 pairs of sox and 5 pair of boxers, well boxer briefs, and is liquid for somewhere around a $58-$59 investment today.  What is funny though is that is feels like a big loss.  I realized this week that I am not really good with letting go of things that are important to me.  Let's face it the things that are important to me are the people, places, things, and ideas that make me feel better for just a moment. Rarely do these things get away from me without my claw marks in them.
  Relationships are tough.  They are the single greatest indicator of where your life is.  Successful businessman like Donald Trump or Warren Buffet do not spend alot of their spare time, I would suspect, with crack addicts and vice versa.  I wouldn't expect to see alot of agnostics in church.  For the same reason I was always uncomfortable in church.   Light cannot measure in darkness.   Darkness cannot survive in the light.  The two cannot coincide. One has no place with the other.  That is truth.
  I have had to begin analyzing my relationships and have had to start making decisions as to what is acceptable and what has no place in my life.  People that have at one time meant so much to me, I am beginning to say goodbye to.  All of the passion that once fueled these relationships is no more.
 Some of these people have held such position in my life that I would make decisions based on their wants and needs and had I not made those decisions my life would be different.  Alot or a little, it would be different.  If my life was just a little different than what it is today my direction might be different as well.  It's my direction that compels me to let go of them.  It's ironic.
  When two or more people exist in the same space their survival together is based on a common purpose.  They are after the same thing.  When that initiative changes for just one of them, then the whole relationship changes.  In my life I have at times tried to hold on to these relationships because I do not want to endure the grief.  For me it was just easier to hold on to misery than it was to face the loss.  What's really funny about that is how is has affected me in other areas of my life. 
  I love my children.  I love them so much I do not want them to hurt.  My oldest daughter is a prime example of that fear..  Ever since she was a little girl whenever she had a pet die.  I would run out and replace that pet with another before she realized it, just so she would not be heartbroken.  I thought I was protecting her, but in actuality I was passing on a legacy to her that I didn't even realize that I had.  I never knew how to deal with loss.  My step mother raised me from the time I was 7-8 years old.  Her death 4 years ago rocked me to my core.  It sent me into a drug induced stupor for almost two years.  For a long time just the mention of her name would send me into an empty room so noone would see the emotion that would overcome me.  The moment I successfully stuffed it back down, I would return. 
  As I become more spiritually fit, I find myself seeking these areas of my life as opposed to running from them.. When I encounter them I am better prepared for the emotion.  I walk through it and move on. It's amazing how when I start separating myself from certain people and passed relationships I am able to now watch the sickness and despair that I used to be a big player in.  I really find no joy in that except for the fact that I am no longer a  party to it.  I am so grateful  that God gives me sight to identify;
what is real and what is not,
      what is sick and what is healthy,
                what is truth and what is not,
                       what is worth holding on to,
 
 and what I should have ran screaming out of the room from the first moment I saw it.

The Journey

  I am noticing a real difference..  A sense of calm is coming over me. I have had a lifetime of hurt, confusion, and fear so imbedded inside of me.  All of the separate instances of various tragedies started to mesh together and became one great big noise. I  became accustomed to discomfort and to using so many things to distract me from truth.  Drugs, drinking, gambling, woman, work, money, and all of the rest of the things that for just a moment made me feel okay.  For the first time in my life,  that need is gone.  I am starting to see the promises.
  There is true power in writing.  As I lay things out on paper that noise in my head becomes less and less.  It's a release.  Most of all what I am finding, is that all of those big deals were only big when they were lumped together.  As I separate them.  They lose steam.  They are not so big.  As I separate them I see them for what they are.  I see my part in them.  I see where I have been so fearful,  and can now be faithful.   I see all of the areas that I have been so self seeking, and I can now be of service.  As I clean house I am starting to see all of the possibilities that lie in front of me.  In living a directed life I am beginning to enjoy favor.  Not so long ago I had truly come to understand why some people take their own lives, I was on the edge of being one.... Instead I am beginning to know a new peace and live a life that I never thought was possible..  That thought overwhelms me.